PLANE FUN!

ENJOY THIS WEEKS "LIGHTER SIDES"!

Blind Pilots

 Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses.
 One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping
 his way along the aisle with a cane.

 Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin,
 but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes
 and the engines start up.


 The passengers begin glancing nervously around,
 searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
 None is forthcoming.


 The plane moves faster and faster down the runway
 and the people sitting in the window seats
 realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
 As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
 panicked screams fill the cabin.


 At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
 The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly
 and soon all retreat into their magazines,
 secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
>
>
 In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
 'Ya know, Bob, one of these days,
 they're gonna scream too late and were all gonna die.'

After 40 Years of flying, I have decided that...........

An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

Hand-flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel.

A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your own sister.

Most airline crew food tastes like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.

Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong....then one pilot gets all the blame.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procdures used every day ..and recite from memory those needed once every five years.

A crew scheduler is the type who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the garbage, then sends her back to let the cat in.

An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying experts who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to do anything.

In the old days flying was dangerous and sex was safe. Now it's the other way around

     Why Men Prefer Airplanes Over Women    

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a 'touch and go.'
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
* Airplanes expect to be tied down.
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women....it's usually not good.

You Might Be a Redneck Pilot If:

1. Your stall warning plays DIXIE .

2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.

3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.

4. You've ever used moonshine as AV-Gas.

5. Your  170's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.

6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.

8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.

9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a windsock.

10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."

11. You've never flown a nose-wheel airplane.

12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."

13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly.

14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.

15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.

16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.

17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.

18. You've never landed at an actual airport even though you've been flying for over 20 years.

19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.

20. You consider anything over 500-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.

21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."

22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area.

23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco on the left.

24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.

25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.

26. You've ever landed on Main Street for a cup of coffee.

27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.

28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from the Magnetic Compass.

29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical stabilizer.

31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.

32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing."

33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.

34. You think an ultralight is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.

35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM heard you say, "Hey Y'all-Watch This!"

36. You use your airplane for camping.

Difference Between Women And Men

1.NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda,Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Meeting a Gang of Bikers

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter  asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.  "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon  a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them  to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 

So, I approached the  largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head,  kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the  ground.  I yelled, "Now, back off!!  Or you'll answer to  me!"

St. Peter was impressed.   "When did this  happen?"

"Just a couple minutes  ago."

Attorneys & Witnesses!

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
WITNESS:

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Huh..?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Huh..?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

"Who's On First" 

*George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? 
*Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
*George: Great. Lay it on me.
*Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
*George: That's what I want to know. 
*Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
*George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
*Condi: Yes.
*George: I mean the fellow's name.
*Condi: Hu.
*George: The guy in China.
*Condi: Hu.
*George: The new leader of China.
*Condi: Hu.
*George: The main man in China!
*Condi: Hu is leading China.
*George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
*Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
*George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
*Condi: That's the man's name.
*George: That's who's name?
*Condi: Yes.
*George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new  leader of China?
*Condi: Yes, sir.
*George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in > the Middle East.
*Condi: That's correct.
*George: Then who is in China?
*Condi: Yes, sir.
*George: Yassir is in China?
*Condi: No, sir.
*George: Then who is?
*Condi: Yes, sir. 
*George: Yassir?
*Condi: No, sir.
*George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of > China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
*Condi: Kofi?
*George: No, thanks.
*Condi: You want Kofi?
*George: No.
*Condi: You don't want Kofi.
*George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of > milk. And then get me the U.N.
*Condi: Yes, sir.
*George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
*Condi: Kofi?
*George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
*Condi: And call who?
*George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
*Condi: Hu is the guy in China
*George: Will you stay out of China?!
*Condi: Yes, sir.
*George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at > the U.N.
*Condi: Kofi.
*George: All right! With cream and two sugars. > * > * **"Doooooooh!"

PILOT IN HEAVEN!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of  Pittsburg,  PA."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." 
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and g! olden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."

RESOURCEFUL YOUNG LADY!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied."It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."  "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."

___________________________________________________________________________

KIDS RESPOND TO  LIFE'S IMPORTANT QUESTIONS!!!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite
is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

PILOT/MECHANIC SQUAWKING!

 Squawks are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for the maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

                                            (P)=problem (entered by pilot)      (S)= Solution  (entered by Mechanic)

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

Thoughts worthy of consideration!  Aviators' Phrases!

1.    Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that the air pressure is directly in the pilot's face. 
            - Horatio C. Barber, 1916

2.    When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.   
                 - Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca’

3.    The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it is on fire.    
            -Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in the 1920's

4.    Flexible is much too rigid, in aviation you have to be fluid.    - Verne Jobst

5.    If you can't afford to do something right, then be darn sure you can afford to do it wrong.   
             - Charlie Nelson (Good advise for construction)

6.    Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
            - Layton A. Bennett

7.    I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at night.
            - Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post, 1931

8.    Never fly the 'A' model of anything.    - Ed Thompson

9.    Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the rudder pedals.    - Harry Bill

10.    Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smite thee.    - William Kershner

11.    When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly  and gently as possible.    - advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.

12.    Instrument flying is when your mind gets a grip on the fact that there is vision beyond sight.    
            - U.S. Navy 'Approach' magazine circa W.W.II.

13.    Always keep an 'out' in your hip pocket.    - Bevo Howard

14.    The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.    
            - attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

15.    A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.    
            - Jon McBride, astronaut

16.    If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.    - Bob Hoover

17.    It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash correctly, there would be no survivors.
                - Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a single engine Nairobi, Africa, 1993.

18.    If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down.
                - Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

19.    Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am 80,000 feet and Climbing.
                - sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena AB Okinawa

20.    You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.    - Paul F. Crickmore

21.    The emergencies you train for almost never happen. It's the one you can't train for that kills you.
                - Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

22.    If you want to grow old as a pilot, you've got to know when to push it, and when to back off.     
            - Chuck Yeager

23.    Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you     - Richard Herman Jr, 'Firebreak'

24.    There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. 
            - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.

25.    An airplane might disappoint any pilot, but it'll never surprise a good one.     - Len Morgan

26.    To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is home. 

27.    Life is simple. Eat, sleep, fly.